16th
My Bailout Plan
OK - so this bank bailout plan isn’t having the impact that we all had hoped for. Banks aren’t freeing up their funds and the stock market is taking it in the ass. I have a new plan and when elected, I will work to put this plan into action immediately (if not sooner).
To spur the consumer to put more money into the registers at the grocery stores, Walmarts and at the pump, I recommend that we start to accept additional forms of currency that have never before been recognized as legal tender. I propose that for the entirety of 2009, the following will be registered by the US Treasury as legal tender and accepted for any / all monetary transactions:
- Camel Bucks
- Pepsi / Coke bottlecap points
- Flooz
- Beenz
- Starwood Hotels Preferred Customer Points
- S&H Green Stamps
As you can see, my bailout plan is unprecedented. Its as simple as it is effective - whatever number (points, bucks, etc.) you see on the item (bucks, bottle caps, stamps, etc.) will be redeemable for that value in US Dollars and thus can be used to purchase goods in all US places of business.
Let me give you a simple example:
Little Suzy has two Camel Bucks, one with a “5” on it and one with a “1” on it. Additionally, she has three Coke bottle caps each worth 10 points. She also has a certificate for one free night from Hilton Honors program.
5 + 1 + 10 + 10 + 10 = 36
Little Suzy now has $36 to spend anyway she pleases in any store in the US of A. (The one free night on the Hilton Honors program was included to trick you. It isn’t worth shit because Hilton isn’t participating in this program. Starwood is the Official Hotel Sponsor of the 2009 McCain Bailout Program)
While I’m completely confident that this plan will work, if for some reason it doesn’t, I propose that the government provide 1.4 trillion to the banks - starting with the top tier banks (Goldman, Bank of America, JP Morgan, etc) and then a smaller amount to the second and third tier banks. Since 700 billion ain’t working, let’s double down!!!
