NOW I’ve seen it all. What the hell did Sarah do to deserve this? It doesn’t even make any sense? She’s in a noose and I’m coming out of a flaming chimney? And one thing I will tell you - it ain’t Art.
So here we are down to the wire. I’m coming on strong, don’t count me out. It’s the dumbest thing you could do, Obama. I’m a sneaky bastard. I’m calculating too. This bitch ain’t over until I decide it is. I’ll be campaigning until the last vote is cast. The final vote. I’m the Energizer Bunny and I’m going to beat the fuck out of my drum before I give up.
I’m coming for you Obama. I’m gunning for you. I’m creeping up in the polls. I’ve got an eternity. 8 days. Enough time for God to make this planet and take an extra day for rest. The biggest mistake you can make is count me out, fuckface.
OK - so I’ve created a monster. Sarah Palin has gone completely off the reservation. Don’t believe me, here’s what one of my key aides told the press yesterday:
“She is a diva. She takes no advice from anyone, she does not have any relationships of trust with any of us, her family or anyone else. Also, she is playing for her own future and sees herself as the next leader of the party. Remember: Divas trust only unto themselves, as they see themselves as the beginning and end of all wisdom.”
Trust me, this guy was being kind. Sarah has become a quote-spewing-media-attention-grabbing jihad. I can’t believe half the crap I’m hearing from this dingbat, but apparently its all true. Here are a couple of doozies that I got wind of just this week:
1) Palin to be a mid-day talk show host on NBC, “Palin Power” or some such name. Apparently she speaks to a valuable segment of the US population, the rural hockey / soccer mom.
2) Sarah Palin Barbie - Mattel has pulled out all the stops to get this on the shelves for holiday. The toy company is gushing over our Miss Alaska turned Veep candidate for the positive message she is sending to the young women around the world. Includes red bathing suit from Sarah’s pageant days as well as grey business suit with miniskirt.
3) “Sarah Palin Cross Your Heart” bra from Playtex. Not going to touch this one. Saw the ad though - hah gee baa baa!
4) “Palinpalooza at Bugaboo Creek” - from now until November 4th, Bugaboo Creek is hosting Palinpalooza - a dinner platter comprised of Mooseburger, Sweet Potato Fries and a Busch 12 oz. draft for $8.99.
5) Saturday Night Live spin-off series starring Tina Fey and Sarah Palin. The concept is similar to that George Burns classic movie “Oh God You Devil”. Sarah will play herself and Tina Fey will be the evil version of Sarah’s conscience who leads Sarah into some comical situations. Hilarity ensues.
I’m getting sick of this crap…
Killing 2 birds with one stone here: cash is tight and my staff says I need to connect with the voters (you!) So starting tonight - no more Robo-Calls. That’s right from now on, I’ll be calling personally to get the word out about Obama and how you should not vote for him and stuff. I’m calling this the “Straight From the Horses Mouth Express”. I got a whole bunch of new material to dish so, when the phone rings, please accept the charges and the opertor can connect the call.
15 points down in the polls, a dumb broad for a running-mate, and calling strangers collect from my personal phone at 11 pm, this is exactly where I expected to be with this campaign 3 weeks away from the election. I got Obama right where I want him now!
OK - so this bank bailout plan isn’t having the impact that we all had hoped for. Banks aren’t freeing up their funds and the stock market is taking it in the ass. I have a new plan and when elected, I will work to put this plan into action immediately (if not sooner).
To spur the consumer to put more money into the registers at the grocery stores, Walmarts and at the pump, I recommend that we start to accept additional forms of currency that have never before been recognized as legal tender. I propose that for the entirety of 2009, the following will be registered by the US Treasury as legal tender and accepted for any / all monetary transactions:
As you can see, my bailout plan is unprecedented. Its as simple as it is effective - whatever number (points, bucks, etc.) you see on the item (bucks, bottle caps, stamps, etc.) will be redeemable for that value in US Dollars and thus can be used to purchase goods in all US places of business.
Let me give you a simple example:
Little Suzy has two Camel Bucks, one with a “5” on it and one with a “1” on it. Additionally, she has three Coke bottle caps each worth 10 points. She also has a certificate for one free night from Hilton Honors program.
5 + 1 + 10 + 10 + 10 = 36
Little Suzy now has $36 to spend anyway she pleases in any store in the US of A. (The one free night on the Hilton Honors program was included to trick you. It isn’t worth shit because Hilton isn’t participating in this program. Starwood is the Official Hotel Sponsor of the 2009 McCain Bailout Program)
While I’m completely confident that this plan will work, if for some reason it doesn’t, I propose that the government provide 1.4 trillion to the banks - starting with the top tier banks (Goldman, Bank of America, JP Morgan, etc) and then a smaller amount to the second and third tier banks. Since 700 billion ain’t working, let’s double down!!!
