November 2008
6 posts
Way to go America...
Good idea. Picking the other guy. JEEZ. Good luck with that, assholes. I’m outta here….
_________VOTE FOR ME!!!
There’s nothing left to say. Get out there and vote for me!!
Watch
I killed on the NBC Television program "Saturday...
Watch for yourself. While I haven’t tuned in with any regularity since Chevy Chase was on the show, this new gang of comedians including Tina Fey were pretty fantastic. At times I really thought I was standing next to the “real” Sarah Palin. Check out Cindy’s cameo as QVC jewelry spokes model. Honey - if you’re selling, I’m buying!!!
October 2008
21 posts
For you undecided voters (and Obama supporters)
We’re coming down to the wire here and I wanted to make a couple things VERY clear about my opponent:
Obama is a muslim. (Do I even need to go on?)
Obama is not only friends with terrorists, he is a terrorist.
Obama’s most trusted confidant is an anti-american preacher
Obama’s middle name is Hussein. REPEAT: HUSSEIN!!!
Obama and his wife are black. Excuse me, a Black...
Don't Trust the Polls!
Ok folks, I know things are not looking good for me, but these poll numbers are out of control. Someone just showed me a poll where I was 53 points behind — How is that even possible?
Watch
F.U. to all the sick frigging perverts out there
NOW I’ve seen it all. What the hell did Sarah do to deserve this? It doesn’t even make any sense? She’s in a noose and I’m coming out of a flaming chimney? And one thing I will tell you - it ain’t Art.
Wait til they get a load of me...
So here we are down to the wire. I’m coming on strong, don’t count me out. It’s the dumbest thing you could do, Obama. I’m a sneaky bastard. I’m calculating too. This bitch ain’t over until I decide it is. I’ll be campaigning until the last vote is cast. The final vote. I’m the Energizer Bunny and I’m going to beat the fuck out of my...
I want my VP candidate back!
OK - so I’ve created a monster. Sarah Palin has gone completely off the reservation. Don’t believe me, here’s what one of my key aides told the press yesterday:
“She is a diva. She takes no advice from anyone, she does not have any relationships of trust with any of us, her family or anyone else. Also, she is playing for her own future and sees herself as the next leader...
Please Accept the Charges
Killing 2 birds with one stone here: cash is tight and my staff says I need to connect with the voters (you!) So starting tonight - no more Robo-Calls. That’s right from now on, I’ll be calling personally to get the word out about Obama and how you should not vote for him and stuff. I’m calling this the “Straight From the Horses Mouth Express”. I got a whole bunch of...
My Bailout Plan
OK - so this bank bailout plan isn’t having the impact that we all had hoped for. Banks aren’t freeing up their funds and the stock market is taking it in the ass. I have a new plan and when elected, I will work to put this plan into action immediately (if not sooner).
To spur the consumer to put more money into the registers at the grocery stores, Walmarts and at the pump, I...
Debate Prep
I pulled an all-nighter last night cramming for this debate today. I passed out around 4:30 am and just woke up in my underpants to the smell of stale Domino’s pizza and Jolt cola. Cindy’s gonna pitch a goddam fit and call me a glutten if I dont clean this mess up.
Anyways, I’m feeling pretty good about this one. I didn’t have time to read a lot of economic stuff, but I...
Let's Make a Deal
OK, Obama. Hear me out. You don’t know jack about being in the military and I do. I didn’t graduate 5th from the bottom of my class to play Stratego at the Shady Acres retirement home. I’m here to wage some wars goddamit. Just like my dad and his dad before him - this war stuff is in my blood.
So here’s the dilly - you can be President and I’ll be Commander in...
Happy Belated Birthday, Reverend Wright!
I missed his birthday last week, but I wanted to wish Barack Obama’s minister of 20 years Reverend Jeremiah Wright a happy 67th birthday.
I’ve never met the Reverend, but I do owe him a special thanks. Like me, you’re not showing signs of slowing as we hit “middle age”; here’s hoping I see another sermon (or two) from you on TV / YouTube between now and the...
I'm just saying...
Saw this today on Yahoo Finance. Mind you, this is not a political ad or anything my campaign had to fund. Funny how there aren’t ads about McCain proofing your portfolio. Don’t worry people - I’ll take care of your portfolios and I’m doing what I can to salvage Wall Street.
I will say this - the only thing you might want to McCain proof is your refridgerator after...
September 2008
14 posts
Serenity Now.......Serenity Now......Serenity...
OK- so here we are. The US economy is about to go through the worst patch in like forever. Who do you want by your side? Someone who lived through the ‘29 depression (me) or someone who’s father wasn’t even born in ‘29 (the other guy)?
I’ve been around the block my friends. I know what its going to take to weather this storm. It’s a giant storm the...
We MUST bail out Wall Street
This $700 Billion program to assist Wall Street financial institutions regain their footing is an absolute necessity to keep this country moving forward. I have urged Barack Obama to postpone our debate as we should simply press “pause” on campaigning until this bail-out program has been approved.
What Barack doesn’t understand is that without Wall Street and the money...
Not so sure I want to be President anymore...
Jeepers Crow everybody! What the heck has happened to this country?
I work myself to the bone to stay relevant in an election I couldn’t possibly win. I’m now neck and neck with Obama. I had to pick a VP that was going to break the mold for the Republican Party, as such, I pick a real firecracker in Sarah Palin and she takes the WORLD by storm. This election is now mine to lose.
...
Economics, Schmec-o-nomics, Sound Bites
So with all this economic stuff going on I figured I should work on a few sound bites in case anyone asks me about this crap. I bought a set of index cards at Walgreens yesterday and put the questions on one side and my sound bite on the other (an old trick that the study-heads use to do while I was throwing spitballs at them high school). So here’s what I got so far:
Q: What is your...
Book banning = ok, Book Burning = not ok
It’s been a crazy couple of weeks what with Palinpalooza going on in the US. The US has spoken and for the most part, everyone is pleased with my VP selection (Sorry Joe!)
In all of this hubbub, I did see one thing that Palin was accused of: book burning. I do not stand by book burning and when I asked her directly in a “mano to womano” face to face closed session meeting,...
YOU GO GIRL!
So its no mystery to anyone why I picked a female running mate:
Hillary supporters jilted at the altar who need a reason not to vote Obama
my need for a young VP candidate to get support of the under-AARP crowd
my campaign needing something exciting so the press starts paying attention to me again
All good reasons and so I went looking. Plenty of talented women for me to choose - I looked...
Baby Daddy
You gotta love this Levi Johnston kid. He’s a self-described “F-ing redneck and says he wants to “kick your ass”. And he knocked up my VP’s 17 year old daughter. He’s sure got some hutzpah! Reminds me of myself when I was his age. Now, I’m not saying I knocked up anyone (the girls were all snobs at my school) but I sure did enjoy my rep as a total dickhead...
August 2008
15 posts
VPILF
People seem to like my choice for Vice President. I’m not sure what this nickname means, but a bunch of guys keep giving me high-5’s for my “VPILF”?? It sounds like VEE-pilf - not sure whats up with that.
Kind of a quiet week...
Not much going on this week. Enjoying the last few days of Summer - sitting out on the front porch drinking Country Time Lemonade, telling stories about the olden days - Model T Fords, Discovery of Fire, Wooden Nickels, Grover Cleveland, Stonehenge.. ah, better times…
Did I miss anything this week?
ALERT: GET ME YOUR FAX NUMBERS
This is a call to action McCain supporters! Become McCain Fax Friends!
Over the next few days, I will announce my Vice Presidential candidate selection to McCain Fax Friends FIRST. I’m going to utilize facsimile technology to simultaneously deliver the message to McCain Fax Friends while the press is left out in the cold.
This is an exclusive and not to be missed. My staunch...
For Pete's Sake, Stop Sending the Depends!!!
OK people. I like a good joke like the next guy. I’m constantly pulling pranks on the Straight Talk Express. I’m a funny guy really. Don’t believe me? I pulled a doozy on one of my female aids last Wednesday. Had everyone on the bus in tears. I went into this young chippie’s makeup kit and replaced some Pond’s face cream with Hellmann’s mayonaise and...
